Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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