Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
