my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
