there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
