party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
