There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
