i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
