My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
