you guys were way drunker than both of me
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
