My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
