Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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