I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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