The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
