I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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