shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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