I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
