Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
