my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
