my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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