Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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