She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
