hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
