Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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