Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
