I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize