Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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