My boss' voice literally gives me gas
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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