You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
