I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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