Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
