how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize