the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
