and my herpes radar will keep us safe
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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