Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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