Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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