im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
