was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
