Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
