Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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