Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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