I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
