I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
