If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Randomize
