I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Who died my cat blue again?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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