hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
