I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
