News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
