I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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