So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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