I faked an abortion last night.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
