how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
