we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
