When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize