Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
