i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
