i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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