good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
