If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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