I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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